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well i haven't been on for a while. pretty sure its 2007 and the last time i had an entry was like summer of 2006. how screwed up is that? well basically i hit 117.5 like a week ago and i haven't weighed myself in a few days cuz im too nervous. i hate anytime after like 8 am cuz my body looks so sloppy and flabby. i work out almost everyday and have been seriously cutting down on what i eat. I read labels like crazy and have counted calories. i even bought a book on the calorie counts in foods! i carry it with me everywhere. the main meal i eat is breakfast. one of my mom's friends told her this amazing bit of logic: eat like a king at breakfast, a queen (woman who watches her weight and eats politely:doesn't eat much lol) at lunch, and a poor person at dinner. I basically eat sugar and whatever sweets in the morning and then i have cereal or a yogurt or sometimes even both :(! But i only eat the serving size on the box so i measure out a cup of milk or cup of cereal or cup of fruit to make sure i know how many calories i have eaten. I eat a lot of fruit, dairy (all no fat or skim), veggies, and fiber filled foods. Fiber helps you digest food and get rid of it. I eat beans sometimes. surprisingly not high in calories or fat and filled with fiber. It definately fills you up too. well thats all for now.

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i hate myself.
i am so disgusting and gross. i need to lose like 5 lbs. i can't help but eat it makes me sick. i don't know what to do anymore. im losing control and i can't handle it. i wish i could be skinny i need to be skinny. i just want to die sometimes. i see all these thin girls on tv and in magazines and im so envious. i want to be down to 118 so badly. that was my lowest thsi summer and i need to be there again. Right now im stuck at 122 i want to get lower than that. help me please

Current Mood: disappointed DISAPPOINTED, FAT, UGLY

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ok so today in total all i have had is a ton of water, 2 dieting pills, a cramp painkiller, 2 tylenol extra strength, 1 piece of gum, and 1 slice of apple! plus i worked out this morning so i'm doin great. unfortunately i sucked last night. i ate a ton of peanut butter (a ton of calories!!!) and had like 7 ginger snaps (over 160 cals). I'm getting mad at myself cuz all i do is eat at night so i'm going to have to work on that... i g2g but i'll finish this later
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i am so disgusting. i haven't lost enough weight and it is making me so mad. i started dieting pills and i dunno if they're helping but i hope they will. everything i eat is gross. plus i haven't been able to not eat. tomorrow my goal is to not eat any dinner or anything after that.

breakfast will be healthy and have bread, fruit and dairy or i could just have a 90 cal breakfast bar and those dieting pills. if i do that then i should probably have some fruit and a couple of nuts and a glass of milk. in total a bit over 200 cals because fruits are neg. cals so then i won't be gaining anything plus the milk has a billion nutrients i need.

i should have a 110 cal powerbar for lunch along with fruit and dieting pills and water!

snacks i will have fruit or nuts (unsalted).

i really don't want to eat dinner. if i don't do anything tomorrow night that could possibly involve food than i won't have to worry. maybe i will just go to bed early and fake sick.


i went to mcdonalds and had ice cream. i want to shoot myself. i am such a fat ass. i mean hello.... MCDONALDS! FAT-ASS HEAVEN!

i did go to the grocery store and buy everything that tastes good that is low cal. so i will always have low cal. stuff to eat. i need to put a red string back around my wrist. i'll have to put it on my ankle though cuz i think my mom knows what it means. i'll just draw one in permanent marker around my wrist....

i need to fix myself and i need to work out. i always see these fat-ass ugly girls and i know that if i gain even one more pound i'll end up looking like that. right now at 10:54 p.m. in MN after eating icecream at 9:30-10:00 and eating every meal(large!!!) today i weigh 122 gross 1b.s. I'm leaving for Australia on monday so i need to be able to avoid food at all costs while i am over there. thankfully i won't have time to stop wherever i want to and buy food so this could be a good thing for me...i want to lose at least 2 lbs while i am over there. i am there for 18 days so if i can lose at least 2 lbs...maybe 5 i'll be in good shape. (meaning i lose it from the 122 i weigh right now)

MODEL TIME! I NEED SOME THINSPIRATION! im going to go look at pictures right now but i'll try to update before i leave.


Current Mood: disgustingly fat

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My life is falling apart. i keep eating and eating. this food, this deadly poison, this killing substance...i keep pouring it down my throat. i am killing myself. i want it so bad but i know i can't have it. but why, if i know this, do i keep giving in?

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i need control over my life. my body. my mind. they tell me to stop what i am doing. they tell me i am looking great. that i look perfect. that i am not fat. why do they always lie? they think it will make me feel good when they say these things to me. it only makes me feel worse because i know that if i really looked perfect, thin, great they wouldn't feel the need to reassure me. they would be envious of me and my body. i can't eat. i have to control myself. i need to control myself. i need to be able to look in the mirror and see something i am proud of. something that doesn't make me want to throw up. something that doesn't make me feel disgusting. i am a monster. i am a disgusting pig that eats constantly and looks like she weighs a billion pounds. i am embarressed when i walk into a room and people look at me. i know that they can see the rolls and the excess fat on my body. this obese thing. i feel as though i look like a whale. i need to be beautiful. gorgeous. THIN! PERFECT... i keep reaching for this goal that i have to reach. this goal of perfection. this beautiful thing that will give me true pleasure.
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Ugh i am so weak and pathetic...
2 small bites of porkchops
10 or so green beans
a bit of salad w/low fat dressing
2 hersheys almond kisses
a spoonful of peanut butter
a lifesaver
a few strawberries
=not that many calories but so much food

peanut butter is my biggest weakness
i need to overcome it
tomorrow i will not eat peanut butter
i hope i can do it

i think tomorrow i will skip lunch and only eat vegetables and fruit for dinner. breakfast will be fruit and coffee and snacks will consist of unsalted natural nuts.

lets see if i can do it...
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i've never posted my thoughts and daily struggles with perfection before, but i guess nows as good a time as any to start...

body type:muscular/athletic/curvy
1st goal:120
2nd goal:120-115
3rd goal 115-110

every night i work out for about an hour and burn at least 600 calories.

today was okay.
handful of pecans(?)
mocha-foam scooped off,didn't mix it up so i stopped before the chocolate at the bottom(?)
way too much peanut butter(300?)
bite of a mini muffin(less than 50)
snack:kashi bar(140)
dinner:yet to come....
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