My life is falling apart. i keep eating and eating. this food, this deadly poison, this killing substance...i keep pouring it down my throat. i am killing myself. i want it so bad but i know i can't have it. but why, if i know this, do i keep giving in?
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i need control over my life. my body. my mind. they tell me to stop what i am doing. they tell me i am looking great. that i look perfect. that i am not fat. why do they always lie? they think it will make me feel good when they say these things to me. it only makes me feel worse because i know that if i really looked perfect, thin, great they wouldn't feel the need to reassure me. they would be envious of me and my body. i can't eat. i have to control myself. i need to control myself. i need to be able to look in the mirror and see something i am proud of. something that doesn't make me want to throw up. something that doesn't make me feel disgusting. i am a monster. i am a disgusting pig that eats constantly and looks like she weighs a billion pounds. i am embarressed when i walk into a room and people look at me. i know that they can see the rolls and the excess fat on my body. this obese thing. i feel as though i look like a whale. i need to be beautiful. gorgeous. THIN! PERFECT... i keep reaching for this goal that i have to reach. this goal of perfection. this beautiful thing that will give me true pleasure.